Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Thank you, thank you, thank you

It is so cool to learn one is not alone, even in cyberspace. Thank you for sharing your own experiences with depression and, more importantly, taking drugs to manage it. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and we don't generally think taking mood-altering drugs is such a great idea, which is probably why I've tried to soldier on on my own for such a long time.

Coming out of this particular closet has been a double-edged sword. It's a relief to finally just let the tension and anxiety of it whoosh right out of me. Naming it, acknowledging it, offers some freedom from it, and having a plan to manage it offers even more.

But I also find myself not fighting it at all, which means I'm caving in to the fatigue. I did absolutely nothing yesterday. Nothing. At. All. Last week I could force myself to, oh, run the dustmop or take the trash out. This week? Not so much.

The garbage gets picked up later this morning, so I got up early this morning to drag the bag down the driveway. Does that count as aerobic activity? Heh.

There hasn't been much shrinking going on around here lately, but I am knitting. I ran out of yarn with one sleeve to go on the charity sweater, so I had to rip it all out and make a hat and mitten set instead. Then I pulled out a couple balls of beige wool and started these socks. [Except I'm doing them toe-up instead of cuff-down, and I did short-row heels instead of flap-and-gusset heels. You knitters will know what I'm talkin' about.] I'm going to give them to my AA sponsor, who is recovering from foot surgery to correct plantar fasciitis.

What would we runners do if our occasional bouts of plantar fasciitis got so bad we had to have surgery? Perish the thought.

Yesterday I was supposed to run two easy miles. See paragraph three, above. I'll make up for that today, come hell or high water. [In addition to yesterday's incredible fatigue, it also rained – rained! – most of the day, so that was another good-enough reason to shift the schedule around.] Fall is creeping into the mountains here; we couldn't be more pleased to see green leaves turning yellow and red as they float down to land on the crunchy brown grass.

Today is my doctor appointment. I'm looking forward to having some blood drawn. Actually, what I'm looking forward to is doing something about the way I've been feeling.

Thanks again for all your kind words. You have no idea how much it means to me.


ws said...

bite your tongue for mentioning PF and surgery in the same sentence. any injury I can't ignore or run through scares the crap out of me.

enjoy your two easy miles today - go with a run 4 min/walk 2 min strategy if that makes is easier to get through.

I hope the doc has all the answers and their billing person knows what the h*ll they are doing...

Laura N said...

Hope the doctor appointment went well--anxious to hear what he said.

Even though it doesn't feel like it now, keep repeating to yourself "this is only temporary." You really WILL feel better. In the mean time, give yourself permission to be a slug. It's OK.

That said, even a slug can run a race. My daughter has an adorable pop-up picture book with flowers and birds and dogs and a friendly spider, and one page that says something like, "when the snail and the slug have a race, it's a very slow race, indeed." So I hope you had a good run today, too. =)

Mary Gee said...

Knitting socks is my specialty and people beg me to knit them for gifts. I think they are the most loving gift you can give, especially for your sponsor!

M@rla said...

Chica, just knit yourself silly until the drugs kick in. Whatever it takes.

I've gone through similar periods in my life, and I've no doubt I should have sought treatment (but didn't) but I know what you mean about the malaise and not doing anything. The computer always makes it worse; it's so easy to surf or play solitaire for hours. For days.

I used to feel that I just needed something to divert me from that path, some sort of derailment that would change my direction. It does seem like a downward spiral that needs to be interrupted. Do you remember in Warner Bros cartoons when Bugs would be tunneling along rapidly, and Elmer Fudd or someone would stick a shovel into the ground in front of this track, and he'd run into it with a giant boooiiiing sound? That's exactly what I need when I get that way, because I'm unable to create and implement the shovel myself.