Comfort is my racket

Have I ever mentioned to you how very much I dislike dial-up internet service? I have? Then I won't bore you by telling you how hard it was for me to get online yesterday, and in order to preserve what little of my sanity remains, I gave up.

The connection seems to be fine this morning. Perhaps it needed a blog rest.

I've been known to say that 'comfort is my racket,' meaning I'll do anything to stay in a place – physically or emotionally – that feels comfortable to me. As long as I don't have to struggle, I'm fine with the way things are. Only when the cons of a situation outweigh the pros do I feel the urge to change. I've operated like this all my life, and I don't think I'm much different from most of the rest of you.

Several things happened around the end of last year to create my own little perfect storm of discomfort, which led me to commit to a more healthy, fit lifestyle. It's not that I haven't been trying for the past several years – I just wasn't uncomfortable enough to explore all the options and do all the necessary work. I wanted to be thin, but I wanted more to be comfortable.

It's tempting to look for an easy way to lose weight. Watching television doesn't help. If commercials aren't suggesting you ask your doctor about the latest pill du jour, they're proclaiming that their product makes weight loss 'easy, fast, simple!' [Okay there are some beer and car commercials, too.]

Three commercials yesterday, for Hydroxycut, Nutrisystem and Bowflex, really set me off. All had great-looking spokespeople praising the products and claiming their weight loss was fast and easy.

In order to lure you in, even the plan I use claims you'll 'lose 10 pounds in five weeks!' That's a steady, reasonable expectation, not unrealistic at all if one's metabolism is cooperative. [Do you think exclamation marks help weight loss?]

eDiets' Glycemic Impact plan is pretty easy to follow. You print out the week's menu plan, make sure you have the right foods on hand, prepare some simple recipes and eat what they tell you. My losses haven't been as dramatic as two pounds a week – I'm averaging less than six pounds a month – but I'm losing steadily as long as I eat what I'm supposed to and do oh, about 10 times as much exercise as my body naturally wants to do.

There it is: Move more, eat less. [To which I would add: Eat the right combination of foods!] Why is it that I really want to move less and eat more, when it clearly doesn't support my final goal?

I'm a little more than halfway to that magic number, and here's what's happening. I'm starting to feel normal. I can wear shorts and capris that stay on with a button and zipper, instead of an elastic waistband. I don't huff and puff going up a flight of stairs, and the dumbbells aren't so heavy that I grunt and groan when I lift them. I noticed yesterday that I was breathing normally – not panting – after a spurt of jogging during my long morning walk.

Normal, for me, and especially at this point in my weight-loss effort, probably isn't such a good thing. It's too comfortable. I have to be vigilant and prudent and disciplined, qualities which aren't quite normal for me yet. Normal people have second helpings. And dessert. Those aren't on my plan, no matter how normal zipping up a pair of shorts feels.

In a recent comment to Lainey, Mrs. More wrote:

"… the bottom line is, sometimes we have to be a bit hungry."

Thanks for the reminder, Mrs. More. I needed that.

Going nowhere

The difference between a jogger
and a runner is an entry blank.
~George Sheehan

Running for fitness is something I do occasionally; mostly I walk. I like the feeling of running – well, okay, jogging – but my body rebels for a couple days afterward.

I wonder how Eric Blake felt when he got off his treadmill? Go read it; I'll wait.

It never ever occurred to me that people run marathons on treadmills. Yesterday I wrote that I needed the distraction of music to get through a four-mile walk outside. I'd be ready for an I-love-me jacket if I ran 26 miles on a treadmill.

Actually, I'd probably be ready for Intensive Care, if not the morgue.

While I was walking yesterday a doe saw me from a distant field. She watched me for a little while, decided I might be a threat to her twin fawns, and shepherded them to safety in the woods. A flock of shy wild turkeys heard me coming and skittered off down a hillside, away from that dangerous human. I found a key on a keyring and the remote control from a car stereo system. And I was listening to music.

I need distractions, people! Distractions! When it's too cold, rainy or snowy to walk or run outside, then I'll use the treadmill. But only if I'm watching television and then only for about 45 minutes max.

Twenty-six miles? Two hours twenty-four [okay 23 plus 58 seconds] minutes? On a treadmill?

The Spousal Equivalent's marathon-running son is visiting us tonight. I can't wait to ask him when he's going to try to break the treadmill marathon record.

As for Eric, according to his bio, his favorite quote is:

Enjoy the daily grind.

I'll have mine with sugar-free creamer, please.

My Shuffle has a sense of humor

I would find it very difficult – and very boring – to walk as much as I do without portable music, and the Shuffle my children gave me for my birthday in 2005 is perfect. I have about 95 songs on it that range in tempo from warm-up walking to determined marching to flat-out running.

Of course they don't pop up in that order when I use the shuffle setting, which makes my walks pretty interesting. Maybe somdeay I'll put the songs in some kind of logical list and use the "play in order" setting. So far, though, I've enjoyed the random selections.

It's been hazy, hot and humid here in the Middle of Nowhere, and yesterday I thought I might just walk to the post office and back, which is the shortest distance [1.6 miles] of the various loops I do. When I got back to my driveway, I wasn't too hot or tired, so I continued on, thinking I would add the two-mile loop. But at that turnaround point I just kept going. Yesterday's total walk ended up being 5.6 miles.

As I was trudging up the last hill before home, the best hill-climbing song ever written popped up to help me make it. Followed immediately by Eminem's "Shake That." Talk about going from the sublime to the ridiculous!

Later in the day I had to go to a nearby city that has a yarn shop and a scrapbooking store. I don't like driving to that city, but my needs are immediate and I can't wait for delivery. [I'm the Queen of Internet Shopping.]

There was road construction, and while I was sitting in a long – no, endless – line of traffic, the car overheated. I turned the air conditioner off, lowered the windows and grabbed the owner's manual to see what to do.

Turn heat and fan to highest setting and direct air flow to the floor until the indicator moves out of the red area.

Great. It worked, anyway, and my feet are now well-done.

Well, the yarn store did indeed carry the brand, but not the color I need. One more insurance ball for the Diamond Patch would give me some peace of mind. All the diamonds are done. All that remains are the neckline and two very short sleeves. And maybe a quick crochet around the lower edge. According to my new scale I have 45 grams of yarn left.

That should be enough. Right?

Anyway, the scrapbook store was closed, with a For Sale sign on the building. Sigh. And I couldn't find exactly what I needed/wanted at the dinky, messy, disorganized JoAnn's. Sometimes it's, um, challenging living in the Middle of Nowhere. I'd love to have a Target and a Michael's in the neighborhood. Even a Target or a Michael's!

[Oh, Debbi, for crying out loud! You have a home and a car and fuel and you're looking for craft supplies! Get over yourself!]

There. I feel much better now.

Since the whole trip ended up taking longer than I'd anticipated, I picked up a McDonald's Grilled Asian Chicken Salad for dinner: 380 delicious and satisfying calories with the sesame-ginger dressing. It felt like a reward.

Can you believe I just said a chicken salad was a reward? Sweeeeeet!

With an eye on the future

First, thanks for all your comments yesterday. I love having my own little pep squad. Stretchy, what you said has made me think more about how I can support staying at goal when I get there. Jonathan seems to have figured it out, but I know, as he does, that it's an ongoing process. And I also am thinking that it can't be limited to the physical goal of a number on the scale. My goal needs to be all-inclusive: not just how I look or what size I am, but how I feel and how I relate to others.

I've been recovering in and following the principles of a 12-step program for more than 15 years. A phrase from one of our books says:

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

To me, that means what's done is done. Let's learn from our mistakes – and successes – and move on. I've tried to be mindful of that this year, because I've spent so much of the past several years feeling frustrated about my inability to release excess weight.

Another important recovery concept is that of living one day at a time. I know it's trite, but I really only have this day, and I really should make the best of it, because I'll never have it again.

Sometimes it's challenging to always do the next right thing. I've had some good examples to follow, though, and my Inner Bitch doesn't come out quite as often as she used to. I'm more comfortable staying calm, thinking things through, making a plan and following through with it, than I am pitching a fit [is that a Southern expression, or do people all over the country/world use it?] and creating chaos.

My motto used to be "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." Now? Not so much.

I'm not very comfortable looking ahead, not knowing what will happen. I can "plan the plan, not the result." But past experience can show me what might be likely to happen.

For the next six months – and beyond – I can pretty much count on a fit, healthy body and mind if I continue to nourish it properly and exercise it regularly. I don't want my future to look anything like those of my parents and grandparents.

My mother died at 59, of cancer. She wasn't particularly active, fought a lifelong battle with her weight and probably suffered from depression.

Her mother died at 90, of pancreatitis, COPD and emphysema. The last 10 years of her life she sat in a chair, watching television and her birdfeeder, tethered to an oxygen tank. She had severe osteoporosis and osteoarthritis, and could break a bone walking from the living room to the bedroom.

My grandfather died in his late 60s of heart failure and cirrhosis. What I remember most about him was his impressive temper.

My father is 76, has had two knee replacements which didn't help his pain or mobility and takes a handful of prescription medications two or three times a day. He has to control his blood pressure, cholesterol and diabetes with pharmaceuticals. He's too heavy and in too much pain to even walk one block. [Fortunately, he has a wonderful outlook on life, in spite of his physical limitations.]

No, I don't want my future to look like theirs. I want no – or at least few – limitations on what I can do, how comfortably I can do it, how far I can go. There are no guarantees in life; I don't know what's going to happen today or tomorrow or next week or 10 years from now. But if you keep on doing what you always did, you'll keep on getting what you always got.

If I keep doing what's good, what's true, what's right, I can pretty much count on more of the same.

So can you.

Looking backward

I had wanted to share some thoughts at the halfway point of this year, but we had company then and it seems I've been playing catch-up ever since. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep, so I guess this is as good a time as any to reflect a bit on what I've learned about myself the past six months.

You regular readers know that I started eDiets on or about January 1, 2006, with the intention of sticking with it for a year. I'd long thought I was insulin-resistant, so I chose their Glycemic Impact plan.

I don't know if I was right about being insulin-resistant, but I do know that combining good-quality carbs [fruits, vegetables, whole grains] with low-fat protein is working for me. Most people who follow this plan eat three regular meals and two snacks daily. I rarely eat the evening snack, and sometimes don't eat breakfast, and it hasn't hurt me, as far as I can tell.

My sense of thirst is stronger than I ever remember it. I've tried to drink four half-liter bottles of water every day since I started. Sometimes I miss one, but more often than not I end up drinking more.

I can distract myself from wanting to eat something if I drink something first. How many times have you read that advice in a magazine or on the internet? Well, it really works. Doesn't matter what you drink, either. I'm partial to iced coffee in the middle of the afternoon lately.

I love to run. That doesn't mean I do it every day; my 55-year-old body, not-quite-fit body rebels when I try to add some running every single day. But some days when I wake up I just know I'm going to run, and I love that feeling.

I'm not much of a touchy-feely kinda gal, but I must be liking and appreciating myself lately. I love shopping these days. It's fun to buy something that both fits and looks decent, rather than just buying what fits. Because seriously, folks, nothing looked good on me in January.

Most of the time, I'm not waiting for the other shoe to drop. In other words, I'm beginning to trust the process. I spent many of the past several years fighting a losing battle. Or, rather, fighting a gaining battle. No matter what I did, I couldn't release any excess weight. I've learned it's not just a matter of "move more, eat less." It's a matter of move more on a regular basis, eat less but make it count, and be patient.

My average weight loss this year has been about 1.3 pounds per week. I'd love it if I could lose more, um, efficiently, but at my age and with a sluggish metabolism, maybe this is as good as it gets. Weight training helps, but I haven't seen my rate of weight loss increasing as I've increased muscle mass, like all the articles you read suggest will happen. I have seen some pretty remarkable muscle definition, though, so I'll keep doing it. Even though I don't much like it.

I love reading others' weight-loss blogs, and I learn something from all of them. I learned in AA [you might have learned it elsewhere] that everyone can be an example for you – good or bad. Some of the bloggers are inspirational and motivating; they make me want to work harder just because they're so enthusiastic about their progress. They give me hope. Some offer up excuses instead of success. I learn just as much, if not more, from them.

I've had a few months to learn what works and what doesn't. I made a commitment to myself to do this for a year, and I've tackled the first six months with slow, steady progress. If I stopped now, I'd be cheating myself out of true success, and I have no intention of stopping. In fact, I'm even more committed to following through.

One of the thoughts I had when I started was that I would be a year older next January anyway, so I might as well just take this year to work on this project. It's been the number-one priority in my life. I expect it always will be. I don't think I have the kind of personality – or metabolism – that will allow for much slacking.

I know this, after six months of hard work: I never want to lose this weight again.

Short and sweet

I have a smashogram scheduled for 8:30 this morning and have to drive an hour to get to the hospital, so this'll be short and sweet … just like me. Heheheh.

Loss this week: 4 [FOUR] pounds! Whoopee! I'm so glad to be lower than I was before the Fourth of July. That's a grand total of 38 since the first of this year, about a 1.3 pound-per-week average.

Was it worth that gain a couple weeks ago from eating half a pound of low-fat lunch meat, [as well as other assorted not-on-plan food], while our guests were here? What do you think?
Intentional activity this week averaged 74 minutes per day. One day was very light, and I wasn't feeling well at all Saturday [lightheaded, weak, chills, dizzy – and it was completely gone by Sunday morning] and did nothing. I'm okay with not walking when I'm ill, but I want to try to do more this week. Today has to be my rest day, since I'm headed out early and have an evening commitment as well.

I ate an average of 1192 calories per day. A couple days were very low, and one was pretty high. The new food scale is going to give me a more accurate indication of exactly what I'm taking in each day, which is a Good Thing.

That's it ... gotta go get smashed.

Don't invite me to a barnraising

Well, I feel like the neighborhood slug after reading Greta's comment yesterday. [Insert rueful smile here.] I will confess right here and right now that it never even occurred to me to offer to help those girls dig the garden. That's how focused I was on completing my 6.6-mile loop.

Yeah, that's the ticket.

I leave analysis up to the Spousal Equivalent; that's what he gets paid for. But I've been thinking all day and all night about why I didn't pitch in and start digging. Well, not all day and night, but it's been much on my mind. Because normally I'm considered a pretty helpful kind of person. Anything you need, just ask Debbi.

So if they'd asked for help, I would definitely have picked up a hoe. [I didn't see a spare one; maybe I needed a visual clue to spur my generous nature.]

More than anything else, I think my modern brain is wired to do things the most efficient way. My neighbor could have had that plot dug in an hour, by himself, with his rototiller. Then he would have smoothed it all out with that thingamjig he attaches to the back of his tractor. Leaving the girls more time to, oh, I don't know, bake bread or something.

But the point, really, is that they have the time, and their brains are wired to use their bodies, not machines.

Greta [by the way, whenever I type your name I type "Great" first, and have to correct it], I'm grateful for your comment, for it's made me think. Not about my ungenerous nature, because I truly am a giving, helpful person. I'm thinking more and more about stuff I've talked about before: How can I work more unintentional physical activity into my normal routine? I agree with you absolutely that after a hard workout I don't have the energy to do what needs to be done.

Maybe we need more vitamins?

And then this morning I read Jonathan's comment and wonderful quote from Wanderlust. So I guess when I came home to knit, I was 'woolgathering.'

Except I'm knitting with nylon ribbon. So I was 'nylongathering.' But purposefully!

A close encounter of the embarrassing kind

Imagine you're two miles into your morning fitness walk, striding purposefully along a hilly, country road. The Shuffle is cranking some kick-ass music, your new Reeboks fit great, you're loving the muscle definition you're starting to see on your outer thigh and the bandana wrapped around your forehead is soaked with sweat. So is your t-shirt.

You've startled one deer, rescued one turtle [by moving it to the edge of the road] and seen one dead snake. You decide to press on, and do the long [6.6 miles] loop instead of the four-mile one.

A quarter-mile further along, at the top of a steep hill, you see a man pounding nails into a fence. You've heard that a new family is moving into the area, from Kentucky, and that they're Amish. This man certainly qualifies, so you introduce yourself and welcome him and his family to the neighborhood.

He says to be sure and say hello to his daughter and her friend, who are on the other side of the house. Digging a garden.

Yipes.

Diet-Blog mentioned 'incidental exercise' a couple days ago. Magazine articles push us to park our cars farther away from the door or, better yet, walk or bike to our destinations. [Jonathan is the King of Biking.] Websites offer a variety of exercise routines, while gyms abound, enticing us with free training sessions and extended memberships and the latest and greatest new fitness equipment. And the news stories, online and in print, overwhelm us with reasons for the 'obesity epidemic,' topmost of which is our modern, convenient, effortless lifestyle.

I walked on down the road and saw the girls. They were wearing the plain, long skirts of the Amish, with scarves covering their hair. One was barefoot, as Amish children frequently are; the other was wearing black stockings and sturdy shoes. And they were, indeed, digging a garden. With hoes. In what used to be a lawn. And they hadn't put Round-up down to kill the grass first.

They were very friendly, probably 15 or 16 years old, polite and industrious. And of course we had a little conversation about how I was walking for fitness, while they were, um, digging a garden … from scratch!

I had more than four more miles to walk, thinking about intentional activity and incidental exercise and modern conveniences. One of the Diet-Blog commenters opined that engineers, who create all our labor-saving devices, must be among the most unfit of all professions. [I didn't say that; someone else did, and not exactly like I just said it.]

So did I come back home and find something useful to do?

Only if you count sitting on my ass knitting.

Two reasons ...

why I won't be picking any of the gazillions of wild blackberries growing along the roadside here in the Middle of Nowhere.

1. They're sour.
2. Ticks love berry-pickers!

I was walking home from the post office yesterday and stopped to see if the berries were anywhere close to being good enough to eat. They're black, shiny and plump, but the only thing that would make them palatable is sugar. So I'll be sticking with the supermarket variety.

I started my weight training workout just a few minutes later, and felt something crawling on my ankle. Sure enough. A tick was making himself at home, but no longer: He's history.

The last time I picked wild blackberries I found several ticks. Should have learned my lesson then!

My garden is a mess, but I was able to discern the basil from the weeds and made a lovely big batch of pesto this morning. My favorite basic basil pesto recipe is from Great Good Food by Julee Rosso, and uses less oil and Parmesan than more traditional concoctions. Tip: Whenever you use nuts [I mixed pine nuts and walnuts], be sure to toast them for extra flavor. Yeah, I know it's one more step – two if you count washing the pan – but it really does add tons of flavor. You can actually use a smaller quantity of nuts if you toast them first.

You probably knew that already, though.

I'm freezing the pesto in two-tablespoon portions, which is just the right size for the two of us. I usually just smear it around in a bowl of hot pasta and vegetables, and top the whole mess with grilled chicken. Yum!

[Be sure to use Amazon.com's "Look Inside" feature if you don't have this cookbook. The recipe is on page 48.]

The banana peppers are abundant, while the tomatoes are just starting to set fruit. This happens every year: I only want to plant once, so everything goes in the ground at the same time. But peppers mature much more quickly than tomatoes do, and so the fresh pico de gallo we love ends up being made with either store-bought tomatoes or store-bought peppers. And every year I say to myself, "Next year I'm going to plant the peppers later."

But of course I never do.

And now, since I just made pesto, I'm completely out of garlic.

It's always something.

Potpourri

Tuesday, Franklin said:

Zen teaches us to appreciate the beauty of what is there, where we are.

Oh, if I could only believe that about my body, no matter what size it is. I know some people are there. I'm just soooo not one of them. The last time I felt good about my body lasted about five minutes, three years ago. Okay, maybe a month or so, but it didn't take long before I started neglecting it, by reducing the exercise, and abusing it, by feeding it more than it needed.

Sigh.

Here's an interesting little flash-y doodad: Obesity Map. And West Virginia is one of the winners! That is, if you define 'winner' as one of the states that made it to the 25 percent obesity mark the fastest.

Here's what I gave myself for staying the healthy-eating-and-fitness course for six full months:
It's very cool, and makes me think maybe I have been eating more than 1200 calories all along. My calorie tracking program says an orange is 60 calories. But the peeled orange I put on the scale this morning was actually 91.2 calories. Big orange. So I counted it as 1.5 oranges in the program. I can already see where this will be very helpful. And very honest.

Another cool thing about it is I also can weigh yarn on it! Doesn't have nutritional information for merino, though. [Oh, yeah, I also bought some yarn for a six-month present.] I've been taking yarn to the post office or pharmacy when I need to know how much a certain amount weighs. Why would you need to know that? Glad you asked.

As you regular readers know, I'm making a Diamond Patch sweater, which consists of about a zillion diamond-shaped pieces of knitting, all connected together. If I weigh one diamond, I can get an idea of how much yarn, by weight, I will need to complete the item. It's infinitely preferable to me to weigh the knitted diamond than to rip it out and measure the amount of yarn I used. I'm going to come thisclose to finishing it with the yarn I have on hand. But I know where I can get another ball if I have to. Since I'm on a deadline for this top, I'm knitting fast.

Do you use less yarn if you knit more quickly?

Where is ...

Beth?

I e-mailed her a week or so ago and haven't heard a thing. You can see from her blog that she hasn't posted in a while.

She was one of my inspirations when I started shrinking in January. Would love to hear from her, or from anyone who knows what she's up to.

Disordered eating

Warning: This one's kind of long!

I like lists. I like making them, checking things off of them, being organized by them. I like polls and quizzes, too. So when SparkPeople sent an e-mail linking to this article the other day, I was curious to see how my eating stacked up with that of a 'normal' person's. The eating behaviors with which I strongly identify are in red.

1. Eating (or restricting) food provides immediate relief from unpleasant negative feelings.
2. Your eating behaviors frequently make you very unhappy.
3. You weigh (or are afraid to weigh) yourself very frequently, and become significantly distressed when you don’t see the results you hope for.
4. You frequently avoid eating because you are afraid that you may not be able to stop once you start.
5. You believe there are “bad” or “forbidden” foods that you shouldn’t eat, and eating them makes you feel guilty or ashamed.
6. You very strictly count calories and track of everything you eat, and feel that going over your limit means you have failed, at least for that day.
7. When you eat a "forbidden" food or go over your calorie limit, you often decide to continue overeating, since you have blown it.
8. You frequently think that people are talking (or thinking) poorly about you because of your weight, even when nothing is said.
9. You are trying to lose weight because you think it will influence how other people think or feel about you and treat you.
10. Being at your current weight makes it very hard for you to feel good about yourself and you believe that will change when you lose the weight.
11. The main reason you exercise is to burn calories, and/or offset the calories you have eaten or plan to eat.
12. You feel like you have to avoid certain foods entirely because you can’t control how much you'll eat once you start.
13. You frequently think about food and eating, much more than necessary.
14. You eat secretly (to avoid embarrassment if others found out about it) or keep hidden food stashes that you eat only when you're alone.
15. You believe that many of the problems in your life (work, relationships, etc) are due to your weight, and will improve once you reach a normal weight.
16. You frequently eat when you aren’t hungry or feel like you can’t stop yourself, but don't understand why.
17. Even though your weight is considered healthy or normal, you are not satisfied, and want to keep losing.
18. You have many rules about what, when, and how much to eat, and breaking these rules causes you to feel anxious, guilty, or negative about yourself.
19. You tend to follow your eating and exercise plan for days or weeks at a time, but then seem to go on strike, rebelling against your own plans.
20. The closer you get to an intermediate or long term weight goal, the more you seem to engage in self-sabotage.
21. You sometimes use overeating, food deprivation, or excessive exercise to “punish” yourself.
22. You spend a great deal of time and energy tracking your nutrition, and feel very uncomfortable eating food when you don’t know what’s in it.
23. You sometimes go to extreme measures like using laxatives, diuretics, diet pills or supplements, enemas, or other measures to achieve weight loss or offset calories you’ve eaten.
24. You find yourself doing things you know aren’t healthy or advisable (skipping meals, over-exercising, eating very few calories) in order to make up for going over your calorie limit, or to speed up your weight loss.
25. You base your food choices primarily on calorie content, rather than nutritional concerns or personal taste.

The article goes on to state:

The more of them apply to you, and the more frequent or severe they are, the more at risk you may be for developing a clinical eating disorder. And, of course, they are all potential obstacles to safely losing weight and developing a healthy lifestyle that will enable you to maintain that loss permanently.

So. I'm decidedly not normal when it comes to eating, and I already knew that. It's somewhat satisfying, in a sick kind of way, to see it all in a list, though. I'm in complete denial about how some of these behaviors – the keeping track of nutrition and frequent weighing, especially – are hurting me.

The items that bother me are 8, 9, 10 and 20. I'd like very much to feel like I'm okay as I am, no matter what the number on the scale is. My personal history is one in which people got praised for what they did and how they looked instead of who they were. I also grew up with parents who battled their weight endlessly. My dad needed to stay at or below a certain weight for his job, and in the two or three months prior to his annual physical he would give up bread, alcohol and sweets [unless he was doing the "Drinking Man's Diet"]. My mother yo-yo dieted her whole life, using diet pills [both prescribed and over-the-counter] and structured weight-loss programs to try to control her weight.

She was obese when she died.

As for number 20, while I'm not sure exactly how my mind works to sabotage my efforts, I'm absolutely certain that it happens. And I'm at that stage right now. I may have said this on the blog before; I know I've said it privately to a couple of people. I'm slightly below a weight now that seems to be a stopping point for me. Three years ago this is where I plateaued and then started gaining again. My July goal of losing a total of 40 pounds will put me eight pounds below that former plateau weight. I'm hoping to dodge the bullet this time.

I know it would be easier if I could just come right out and say what I weigh. Who am I kidding? I'm reporting how much I've lost, and I'll certainly state my weight when I get to goal. Anyone who can add and subtract will be able to figure out the starting number. But I'm just not there yet. I sure do admire every weight-loss blogger who does, though. That really helped me when I was starting this plan.

Maybe someday.

Comments on comments

Thanks for your comments yesterday. I've privately e-mailed a couple people, but thought someone else might also be wondering so I'll say a couple things here, as well.

Loretta wondered why I switched from Weight Watchers to eDiets. Here's what I wrote her:

There are two reasons I switched from WW to eDiets. The first is that WW just wasn't working for me. I was counting points, but eating junk, and I can't afford junk calories, since I'm learning that I have so few to play with. I also didn't go to meetings, as there is only one out here in the Middle of Nowhere, and it wasn't at a convenient time for me.

The other reason is that over the past few years I've learned more about insulin resistance, and have come to realize that's a big part of my inability to lose. eDiets offers a specific plan geared toward the Glycemic Index that has worked great for me. I bought a book – The Insulin Resistance Diet, I think it was called – but didn't find it very user friendly. I'm much happier having my menus worked out for me.

Mariah suggested this little bump in the road sounded like it might be a Good Thing, and she's right. I learned a lot by straying from the path. I absolutely know what works and, unfortunately, now I know what doesn't. Pffffft! I already knew eating lunch meat and salty snacks weren't going to support me nutritionally. I wanted to cut loose and have some fun with food. I still need to figure out ways to have fun without food, which is hard to do with a houseful of food-loving relatives.

For Greta, who thought I should have lost weight averaging about 1300 calories and 70 minutes of activity daily, I direct you to the link Mar!a provided. When I plug in the numbers, I should be eating slightly more than 1200 calories daily to lose weight. That calculator is, as Mar!a said, painfully honest. I think Dr. Hussman should rename it "John's No-Bullshit BMR Calculator."

Right, Stretchy?

You and so many others are such great cheerleaders; it's great to know you can tell it like it is, as well. I feel like I'm getting better support from this little virtual meeting than I ever did from a structured group, whether it was Weight Watchers or therapy.

In other news, Alton Brown, host of a couple of programs on the Food Network [y'all don't watch any of those shows, do you?], spoke to the IFT recently. Here's a short article. As part of his keynote speech, Mr. Brown said:

“I care about the big picture. While facts may be the ‘proof of evidence', they don't point to what we're doing,” he said. And what Americans are doing today is overeating.

That's telling it like it is, don't you think?

I hate when that happens

You know the weight-loss advice that tells you to "move more and eat less?" I got that totally mixed up last week, and ended up eating more and moving less. [Insert rueful smiley face here.] It's not as bad as I'd feared, because my mid-week scale checks showed a four-pound gain. It ended up being officially two pounds. Bah.

Average calories eaten: 1304
Average minutes activity: 68

That's 200 to 300 more calories eaten daily than what I've been averaging, and 30 fewer minutes of exercise per day.

Part of those extra calories were holiday food, and part of them were "what-the-hell" food. You know what that is, right? You know you've gained anyway, so you just completely blow it.

I'm glad I've been logging calories and minutes all this time. If nothing else, it proves what I know to be true for me: I don't need as much food as they say I do. [There are other how-many-calories-do-I-need calculators out there; I just picked that one as a likely prospect from my Google search.]

It recommends 2204 calories to maintain my current weight; to lose, I need to subtract 750 calories per day. It also says I'll need to eat 1974 calories daily to maintain my goal weight. Hah! That will so not work for me.

The person/company who/that develops tasty, satisfying food with no calories will make a fortune. I guess the drug companies are working it from the other angle: Create a pill that makes you not want to eat at all.

A little good news. It's been four weeks since I took my measurements, and I've lost 2.5 more inches.

Finally, thanks to everyone who went to Bo's blog. I know your positive, healing thoughts and prayers will help him. Greta, you're right about our weight-loss efforts being about health as well as looks. I've always thought my mother's poor eating habits and yo-yo dieting contributed to her relatively early death at 59. She would have been 75 this past Saturday.

Now it's time to get serious

Okay, we've had our fun – Greta, I haven't been to a county fair in years. The last fair I went to was the Ohio State Fair [or is that THE Ohio State Fair?] probably 30 years ago. I used to love going to the local county fair when I was a kid. And Loretta, I'm so grateful for your further analysis of my drivel yesterday. You're right on: I love the project part of any endeavor, but then the excitement wears off and it's just another job to do.

Those of you who pay attention to such things will notice that I've added another link to the general links in the sidebar. My daughter-in-law mentioned it to me a month or so ago, and I've been reading about this nice young man who lives in North Carolina ever since.

He's about the age of my two grown children, is married and has a little girl. Oh, and cancer. He has cancer. Some kind of unpronounceable lung cancer that apparently attacks non-smokers. I've never met him, but I know his college roommate, who lives down the street from my son and daughter-in-law.

His story is really getting to me. My little weight-loss issue seems vain and petty compared to battling cancer, but I think Bo would be just as much a cheerleader for me as I am for him.

He seems centered, focused, determined and optimistic as he tells his story. He's doing everything he can, all the right things: changing his diet, increasng his activity, appreciating life, asking for help.

Everything we should all be doing anyway, right?

So I'm putting his link there, and hope you'll get to know him. If you pray, I hope you'll add him and his doctors to your list, as I have to mine. I know he'd appreciate it.

We have a winner!

If you have a Bellsouth account, your ISP is based in Jackson, Mississippi, and you visited here yesterday at about 1:50 p.m. Central Time, congratulations!

What do you win? My heartfelt gratitude, because you are the 5000th visitor to the Shrinking Knitter, and she thanks you very much. Heh.

I'm slowly getting back on the food track, doing what works for me. The scale hasn't budged, which is more than discouraging, but I have to remember how sluggish my metabolism is at this stage of my life. [I'm in my dotage, you know.] Salt Bloat: It's a Bad Thing. Mar!a can retain water with the best of us, but also sheds it at an impressive rate. I'm so not there yet.

Some of the fun things I did yesterday: Played two games of Super Scrabble, read a knitting magazine, took a non-fitness walk with the Spousal Equivalent [SE] and created a new website*, which isn't ready for prime time yet. I did not mow the lawn or dust-mop the floor. I know some of you are probably wondering when hell is going to freeze over. Did you hear? The Shrinking Knitter didn't clean her floor last Friday!

Today, though, the lawn gets mowed, or I'll have to hire my neighbor to cut and bale it. The SE has some typing for me to do, the laundry is again piling up, and I need to work on the pink ribbon knitting project. None of these jobs are hard, and they do offer a sense of satisfaction upon completion. Not exactly fun, but gratifying.

So. What did you do for fun yesterday?

*Creating a website is lots of fun, in my opinion. Maintaining it is the work part. Kind of like maintaining a weight loss. Hmmmm.

Let's have some fun!

Those angryfatgirlz are at it again, with an intriguing post about a therapeutic technique called treasure mapping.

I did one more than 15 years ago [sorry for the bad scan], at the beginning of my sobriety, which coincided with the last time I got divorced. [There are three former Mr. Shrinking Knitters. Those of you in recovery will recognize multiple marriages as one of the more common qualifications for membership in a 12-step program.]

I was all about being independent, trying to discover why I'd always felt the need to be connected to An Other, searching for the strength to carry on without either of my crutches – a husband or alcohol. It's the only time I've ever done one – and I didn't know I was "treasure mapping," by the way. I was just playing. It killed some time, kept me absorbed and cleaned out the magazines.

Just playing.

I don't play much any more. Playing, for me, needs to have a purpose. Knitting produces something to wear or give as a gift. I do a little [very little, lately] scrapbooking and cardmaking; the former preserves memories, the latter end up in a gift shop for sale. I don't send cards, I make them. Heh.

Last week when the Spousal Equivalent and I were getting the house ready for our company, he turned on some oldies music and I started dancing. I had so much fun, but even that was combined with the work of running the sweeper, dusting and decluttering.

This losing weight deal is hard work. Exercising, food shopping, cooking, logging, record-keeping ['cause I'm geeky – you don't have to chart statistics, but I do] … they all take time and effort and, well, work.

If you're on SparkPeople's "Healthy Reflections" mailing list, here's what you got in this morning's message:

The importance of not being too grown up

Children are so convinced of their ways and implicitly trust in their own instincts. Clearly if it tastes good, it must be good for you! Delight in the experiences of your youth today. Reflect upon the simple pleasures of carefree living. What can you do to indulge yourself in a healthy way? Put down the bills and laundry and have a tea party or puppet show. Take a spin on the swing set or jump on the bed. Not only will you burn off some energy, but you'll also be taken back to an innocent, worry-free time in your life. A time when you wore pajamas with feet and weren't such a big girl. Remember the importance of an occasional childlike moment.

So on this Friday Quote Day, with just a weekend to go until the All-Star game, let's all think about what Crash said in my all-time favorite baseball movie:

"So relax! Let's have some fun out here! This game's fun, OK? Fun goddamnit."

Committed to change

Yesterday's post elicited some interesting comments. Greta's thoughts echo mine: Does depression precede obesity, or is it a result? She also brought up the idea that overweight people most likely don't exercise as frequently as those of normal weight, and perhaps aren't releasing endorphins, those "feel-good" brain chemicals. I think what I need to learn is that when I'm feeling down, food is not – and never has been – good medicine!

I'm so glad the holiday is over. The leftovers are gone, either tossed or eaten, and I didn't do as well as I'd hoped or planned. I suddenly – from Tuesday morning to Wednesday morning – have four additional pounds to deal with. I know it's not four pounds of fat, but it's not fun to see a number on the scale that I thought I'd left far behind.

While I did plan healthful menus for the weekend, I also had snack-type foods in the house that I rarely buy. Those kinds of crunchy, salty treats are very tempting for me, as are cold cuts, which we had for lunch one day. I don't "do" salt very well. And it seemed like every time I turned around someone was eating something. Each occasion – going for a drive, playing soccer in the front yard, a little fishing in the pond – ended with sandwiches, snacks and sweets.

What I did do well was exercise. I got up early each day our guests were here and did my 6.6-mile loop. It was a good way to start the day, releasing the inevitable anxiety and tension I feel when we have company. I guess I flip into people-pleasing mode when I'm the hostess.

Diet-Blog has an inspiring post here, a great essay about being committed to changing one's life, part of which says [italics are mine]:

The modern attitude to life is all about minimal input and yet expecting maximum gratification. This mindset is apparent in our relationships with others and in our relationship with ourselves. We expect an easy road - but life wouldn't be so difficult if we didn't expect it to be so easy.

I must say, in retrospect, that I put minimal effort into taking care of my food needs over the weekend, while going to great lengths to make sure there was something for everyone else. I didn't expect to be so ... um ... challenged by all the fun food at my fingertips.

I also realize now that no matter what they say, my daily caloric requirements must remain at or below 1200 no matter how much I exercise. I know I gave myself permission to exceed that limit over the weekend. In the back of my mind, I could hear the "experts" suggesting that you need to eat more if you're exercising vigorously. The difference, probably, is that I didn't exercise a great deal more than I usually do – maybe an extra 30 minutes a day. Not enough to burn off an additional 200 to 400 calories per day.

Ah, well. I had hoped to write some kind of inspiring, philosophical message today, which is the first day I've had to really sit down and think hard about what I want to say since the holiday. I'm halfway through my year of losing, and halfway to my goal. Well, not quite halfway today. But close. Maybe this little setback is a good lesson for me.

I'm not a normal eater. I never have been, and I never will be. I will always have to be vigilant, and it's never going to be easy for me to maintain a loss. But the benefits of all that work are far greater than the fleeting pleasure of overindulging in foods that just don't work for me.

As Beverly Sills so wisely said, there are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

Which came first?

An article in the journal Archives of General Psychiatry this month has concluded that mood and anxiety disorders, including depression, are about 25 percent more common in the obese than in those of normal weight. The abstract is here [if you are a member of the AMA, you can access the full text]; news stories about the study are here and here.

This, of course, completely busts the myth of the jolly fat person.

And it also, of course, makes you wonder if obesity precedes depression, or if mood disorders cause some people to eat more.

It's both, of course, and it's also neither. The conclusion, according to the abstract, states [in part]:

"Variation across demographic groups suggests that social or cultural factors may moderate or mediate the association between obesity and mood disorder."

Well, duh.

One of the news stories suggested that doctors should be more aware of the incidence of depression in their obese patients, and quotes Dr. Susan McElroy, a psychiatry professor at the University of Cincinnati, as saying:

“This is a state-of-the-art psychiatric epidemiology study that really confirms that there is, in fact, a relationship [between obesity and mental disorders]."

I don't know about you, but they could have asked a dozen fat people on a street corner and probably learned the same thing. Or maybe I'm the only one whose eyes glaze over at the sight of a plate of fudge – or bag of chips, platter of ribs, insert-your-crazy-food-here.

Interestingly, the study showed that the incidence of substance abuse in the obese is 25 percent less than in the normal-weight population. My own experience is that the consequences of alcohol abuse were much worse than those of food abuse. When I stopped drinking, I started eating. One takes one's comfort where one can. I've been both fat and thin during my sobriety, and it's been far easier to stay fat.

Which means I'd better continue to work on all the angles of this weight-loss odyssey, doesn't it? For me, it's not just a problem of too much food and too little activity. Crawling into the bottle or hiding in a fat shell takes me out of myself, out of the world, out of reality. I've been in a bit of denial about this, and I initially scoffed at the study. [I've already deleted a couple sarcastic paragraphs from this post.] While I don't feel the need to enter therapy [or throwuppy, as one of the angryfatgirlz called it] at this time, I'd better pay closer attention to the whys, and not just the whats, of my food consumption.

More than halfway there

I weighed myself on July 1 and recorded a one-pound loss; today's weight is the same (Monday is my usual weigh-in day). So one more pound this week is gone, and I'm more than halfway to goal. At the halfway point of the year, I'm very happy with my progress so far.

No time to write more – we still have guests, the computer is in the guest-wing side of the house and I'm trying to prepare a feast for later today. Hope you U.S. readers are enjoying a beautiful long weekend!

Or maybe we could just eat spinach

Odd little scientific discovery here.

Thanks for all your great comments yesterday, everyone. I know where to turn if I have trouble with maintenance – you all are such a wealth of knowledge and experience. I appreciate your thoughts, concerns and cheers! [Insert Smiley-Face Here!]

She's got legs

Comparing January to July:

And she's got arms and cheekbones, too. And possibly one less chin. And thirty-six fewer pounds!

She's also really, really motivated to keep on keepin' on.

This is one of those times – and believe me, there've been many – when I just have to ask myself how I ever could have gotten in the shape I was in … if you could call that a shape. I should post this photo on the fridge, in the pantry, in the freezer in the garage … maybe I should post it in the grocery, so I can have a look at it before I fill my cart!

Greta commented that my statement a couple days ago that I was 'doing this for a year' will probably mean I'll gain everything back. She suggests I need to do this for life. I guess I didn't make myself very clear. I'm giving myself a year to create new habits and learn to live with this new way of eating.

As we know, 'diets' are limited in scope and duration. You won't find me wolfing down the leftover Christmas cookies on January 1, 2007. More than likely I'll be eating Hoppin' John [made with Canadian bacon – let me know if you want the recipe], and toasting the New Year with sparkling water. After a good night's sleep I'll work out and then watch college football. And knit.

After 15 years in a 12-step recovery program, I've learned for me not to say I'll do something – or give something up – for the rest of my life. I'm kind of pushing my limit saying 'I'll do this for a year.' Successful people in recovery take it a day at a time. My one-year end date is the day I hope to be at my goal weight. It doesn't mean the trip is over, though. Thanks for giving me the chance to think this out and clarify it a bit, Greta!

Marilyn suggested a ribbon yarn management tool yesterday. I found a little meat mallet-type thing, very heavy for its size, that turns nicely to feed the ribbon from the outside of the ball. But knitting it is still a pain. I'd switch to bamboo or wooden needles but I'm afraid it would snag the ribbon. So I continue slip-slidin' away.

Company arrives today, so I have to scoot. No telling when the next post will be. I hope I'm having too much fun to worry about sitting at the computer.

Hope you are, too!

Barbeque, anyone?

Finally – and just in time for your holiday get-together – a link to something that combines food plus knitting! [Yes, I know there are other food/knitting links, but this is unbelievable! Probably belongs on You Knit What.] If you hurry you can have it finished by the Fourth of July.

Yesterday was a productive day, as far as taking care of stuff. Got the car inspected and serviced, and had to have two tires replaced. Bought a boatload of groceries. Good thing, too, because it started storming again about an hour after I got home. We might be in the market for ark plans here in the Middle of Nowhere.

Of course we don't have it nearly as bad as those on the eastern seaboard do, and I hope those affected by the flooding and rain stay safe and dry.

I took a short walk in the morning, but not my usual four- or five-miler, thinking I'd be mowing in the afternoon. That didn't happen, so I dust- and damp-mopped, ran the sweeper and paid bills. I don't want to get in the habit of replacing intentional activity with housework or outside chores, though. I didn't plan my time very well in the morning or I could have gotten at least a four-mile walk in. Must. Do. Better.

I'm making pretty good progress on the Diamond Patch sweater. The first six diamonds, which make up the lower edge, are done and I've started connecting them. The scan at the right shows two of the lower-edge diamonds connected by one of the second tier.

This scan does not show how slinky, shiny and dressy the ribbon is. It's quite a pain to work with, but I'm sure the finished sweater will be worth all the swearing.

I'm nearly finished with the front of the Shapely Tee. Just another inch or so and I can bind off the front neckline and do the shoulders.

Sparkpeople had a good article yesterday, about involving others in your weight-loss process. As you regulars know, I live a pretty isolated life, so you are my "others." I'm really glad you're out there. Here's a Friday quote to think about:

" 'Independence'... [is]
middle-class blasphemy.
We are all dependent
on one another,
every soul of us on earth.
G.B. Shaw, Pygmalion, 1912

Working for the weekend

We here in the U.S. are gearing up for a long holiday weekend. This year our guests will be fewer in number than usual, but it still means menu planning, grocery shopping and food preparation.

Not so different from a typical week here in the Middle of Nowhere, really.

When I check in at eDiets every Monday morning to record my weight, I print out a new menu and shopping list. I'll add some snack-type items for a couple of teen-agers who will be here, and will probably make potato salad and some kind of dessert for the big cookout. I really don't see any reason why I can't just follow the plan for a larger crowd. I doubt that anyone even notices.

As long as I make sure to buy country ham for breakfast – something I don't care for anyway.

I've got a ton of stuff to do today and tomorrow, and our company arrives Saturday, so Shrinking Knitter posts will be short for the next few days. I do plan to take a progress photo to post on July 1.

I know you can't wait! Hehehe.

Edited to add: Do go read Jonathan's blog entry for June 28 called "How Much?" This part particularly struck me:

"Now. I realize full well that what this reader really wanted to know was "How much MORE food do you eat now, compared to when you were losing weight?"

And I understand where that question is coming from, having done my fair share of "dieting" in the past. But I would like you to consider for a moment, that you won't even care about the answer to this question when you are able to find a long-life approach to eating that leaves you feeling content and satisfied. In other words, if you believe that losing weight means you can't eat "enough" then try something different, and keep trying until you feel satisfied."

Maybe that last sentence sums up what's different for me. Of course I won't know if it's really different until I've maintained a loss for a significant period of time, but I feel so fortunate to have found a way to eat that satisfies me. And in the beginning, it's all about the eating.

This, of course, takes the whole emotional-eating component out of the equation. I still struggle with that, and still struggle with eating when I'm bored. But I'm getting better. The other day I spent an otherwise not-so-busy afternoon altering clothes. I didn't want to do it, but I made a phone call to transition from inactivity to activity, and that seemed to work. I added two pairs of pants and four skirts – all the right length – to the closet!

Okay, now I'm done.

Caution: May be habit-forming

The rain stopped yesterday afternoon, and the sun actually came out for a couple of hours before it moved on to the Central Time Zone. I feel fairly certain, after seeing the depth of the water in the river last night, that it washed across the road in a couple of places during the height of the storm.

Today's my last day caring for my neighbor's horses and dogs. I'm still trying to think of a daily hard chore I could do around here, and, short of buying a llama, I haven't come up with anything. I suppose I could damp-mop the floor every day, instead of every third or fourth day, but that seems a little OCD to me.

I begged for a llama the last time I was married. We lived on five acres in the Middle of Nowhere, Ohio, so there was lots of grazing room. The conversation went downhill quickly.

Former Husband: What would you do with a llama?
Me: Brush it and use the fur to make yarn.
FH: You would need equipment to make yarn.
Me: Well, yes, I guess I would need a spinning wheel. And a carder. And I'm sure there are a few other accessories.
FH: And then what would you do with the yarn?
Me: Knit it, of course! And maybe learn to weave.
FH: Ahhh, then you'd also need a loom.
Me: Well, yes, I guess you're right.
FH: And you'd probably finish one scarf and decide you don't like taking care of the llama any more, and we'd have the most expensive scarf in Ohio.

End of conversation.

Because he was probably right. At that time, my attention span was as short as a puppy's.

A friend who reads the blog e-mailed me yesterday and said she thought probably motivation was the most important factor in the weight-loss progress I've made so far. I disagree, and told her I think it's patience.

I'm doing this deal for a year. That's a short time in the whole, grand scheme of things, but a long time for a woman with the attention span of a puppy.

What I hope is that at the end of the year, the behaviors I'm practicing will truly be habits and my body will truly be comfortable at a normal weight. Last time I lost a significant amount of weight I did it in five months. I didn't know how to maintain it; all I knew was I was damned tired of working out hard two hours every day, and I quit.

For me [you regular readers will note that I use those two words, in italics, frequently – I would never presume to tell you what to do, but I'm happy to share my experience], exercise has been the missing link. All the calorie/carb/fat gram-counting I've done over the last decade haven't amounted to much weight loss at all, and certainly no weight loss that lasted. When I throw in some cardio actvity [walking outside in good weather; treadmilling, rowing and aerobic DVDs in not-so-good], I do better.

And here's the kicker:

When I add weight training,
my body works like an
efficient, well-oiled, fat-burning machine.

Oh, how I hate to admit that. Because I truly, truly don't care for weightlifting. At one time my intention was to do the weight workout before I walked, but I'm usually too eager to start walking. I do keep Shuffling when I start lifting, and that helps some.

I'm now at the point where I actually lift three times a week, every week that I'm not traveling. I'd like to be more enthusiastic about it.

I still have six months to work on that habit. Patience, Grasshopper. Patience.

P.S. Mar!a asked in the comments if the Diamond Patch would be suitable for beginners. If you were wondering as well, and are an adventurous beginner, then the answer is 'yes.' You need to be able to cast on, bind off, knit, purl, decrease and pick up stitches. Mar!a, be sure to check your e-mail.

A wild ride

I teach a beginning drawing class on Monday nights at a women's prison. When I left the house last night, the sky to the west was black with clouds, very ominous and threatening. The thing about the weather here in the Middle of Nowhere is that the mountains can divert storms in just about any direction. I felt pretty sure it was going to rain at my house, but that didn't necessarily mean the storm would follow me 25 miles east.

The prison compound is closed during severe thunderstorms with lightning. I was there last year when one came through, and had to stay locked down until it had passed. Fortunately, storms tend to blow right through.

By the time I got to the gate, I could barely see to drive. The rain was so heavy I couldn't open my window to identify myself to the guard and I turned around and came home. We were in the midst of a gullywasher.

gullywasher: gul•ly•wash•er [plural gul•ly•wash•ers] noun.
Definition: A heavy downpour or its runoff [informal]

I've never driven in such wild weather. The wind was fierce, wildly blowing tree limbs and leaves into the road. I've always felt safe from flooding since I live on a mountain, but that amount of rain runs right off the mountain and into the road. Two volunteer fire departments were out in different locations moving debris and directing traffic around high water.

It'll take your appetite away, that's for sure.

I woke up this morning at 5 a.m., and it was still raining, although just a steady soaker. As if we need more soaking.

I almost didn't know what to do with myself when I got home with all that extra time on my hands. We got rid of the television in the living room. To watch TV now I have to go to the second floor of the garage, which is a multipurpose office/workout/family room. I wasn't going back outside last night, so I sat down to knit for an hour, and then went to bed early.

Before I turned in, I dug around in the back of my closet for a pair of shorts I haven't worn in a long, long time.

Here's my snack-attack prevention tip du jour:

When you feel like eating mindlessly, go try on clothes.

If they're too small, you'll be motivated to skip the snack because your ultimate goal is for them to fit, right?

If they fit, you're going to be so thrilled to have a 'new' pair of shorts that you sure don't want to blow it by eating.

That's what happens to me, and I highly recommend it. I'm not sure I'll actually wear these shorts. Remember a dozen or so years ago when 'city shorts' were in style? These are red silk, pleated at the waistband and knee-length, and I used to wear them to work with a silk tank, a jacket, hose and ballet flats. I don't think I'll be wearing them out, but they're good for gauging progress.

Knitting progress continues. I'm more than halfway finished with the front of the Shapely Tank I started a few days ago, and I've also started another top from Just One More Row Designs. I'm using a shiny pink ribbon to make something a bit dressier than the sample photo illustrates.

You start by knitting six diamond-shaped pieces of fabric separately. Then you connect them by picking up stitches along the top edge of the "V" made when you put two of them side-by-side. Eventually you'll have connected all six and you just keep moving up, shaping armholes and the neckline by eliminating or truncating the diamonds.

I made one in a blue slubby cotton a very long time ago, in a tunic length [simply add two rows of diamonds for the longer length], and just now am able to wear it again. I have a special occasion coming up in a few weeks, and this will be perfect for it.

I don't often work on two things at once, but the ribbon is too slippery to work with while reading e-mail. So I'll work on the tank at the computer, and save the ribbon project for times when I can pay close attention.

This turned out to be quite a bit longer than I'd intended. If you're still reading, thanks for putting up with my drivel!

Making progress

Comments from Stretchy about natural peanut butter have me on the hunt for both Adams and Smart Balance brands. I think Tiny Kroger might be carrying the Smart Balance brand – I'll certainly look for it, especially after Stretchy's personal recommendation. Adams [made by Smucker's] is available to order online, but even I'm not worth four bucks a jar plus shipping. And you have to buy six jars at a time; I'd rather taste it before I make that kind of committment.

Peanut butter isn't a trigger food for me. It's a much bigger temptation for the Spousal Equivalent, who considers it a major food group. It's much more difficult for me to have peanuts around. Next time I'm at Sam's I'm going to get a box of the individual serving sizes and put them in the freezer in the garage.

Working at my neighbor's barn has been so fun for me. I'm sure that sounds weird to some of you, but I definitely enjoy exercising with a purpose – in this case, two clean stalls every day. I come home wondering what kind of regular, muscle-building household chore I could and would do every day. So far nothing has come to mind. Perhaps this is like not minding doing someone else's dishes, even though you loathe doing your own night after night. [And we all know mine get tossed in the dishwasher!]

Drumroll, please …

Two more pounds gone! That's a total of 35 since January 1. This week's geek stats:

• An average of 1050 calories eaten daily
• An average of 91 minutes activity daily
• An average of 553 calories burned daily
• Total miles walked: 30.5

I'm not counting cleaning stalls in my minutes of activity. I thought if I reported it I might slack off on the walking.

I know it's not good to eat fewer than 1200 calories per day, and I don't recommend it. I had three very low-calorie days this week, because I forgot to eat breakfast. I could have eaten more later in the day, but I'm trying not to eat after dinner, and wasn't hungry anyway.

I think it's becoming more important for me to pay attention to whether I'm hungry or not. If I'm bored, anxious, restless, angry, happy, sad or lonely, then I shouldn't eat unless I'm also hungry.

And as I've said before, I probably haven't been truly hungry since I was, oh, say 11 years old.

Lori at angryfatgirlz asked a couple days ago, regarding motivation, "what do you do when you have a lot of weight to lose?" The comments have been helpful and thought-provoking, although the more recent ones are turning into a discussion of thyroid disease. Pop over there and add to the motivating thoughts already posted.

It's been helpful to me to throw away too-big clothes and replace them with newer, smaller things. I'm also pulling out smaller things I've saved from three years ago. I tried on some dresses I've saved that I've worn for special occasions over the years. There's only one that I might ever wear again – they were all worn for weddings, either my own or those of mine and the Spousal Equivalent's children. My daughter was married 13 years ago, the last time I started losing a lot of weight, and that mother-of-the-bride dress fits perfectly. The lace at the yoke is disintegrating, so it's unwearable, but it was a very flattering style and I wish I had another occasion to wear it. The most recent wedding was two years ago today; that dress is far too large – another Goodwill donation. I hated the dress, thought I looked horrible in it and bought it only because it fit and I was running out of time.

Yesterday when I got in the car I had to scoot the seat forward to be comfortable – my big gut wasn't in the way any more.

Now that's a non-scale victory!

Something weird is going on

I think I'm starting to eat like a normal person.

Whoever that is.

As you long-time readers know, I've been following the Glycemic Index plan offered by eDiets, which combines high-quality carbs with low-fat protein and limits sugar. Other plans are available, but I've long thought I was insulin-resistant, and the GI plan made the most sense for me. I get a flexible meal plan and shopping list every Monday morning, which also is my weigh-in day.

Lately, probably the last couple of weeks, I haven't been eating breakfast, other than coffee. I get up and get started with my day, and before I realize it the morning's gone. Sometimes I'm so busy I don't remember to eat until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. But even if I'm not busy, I'm not thinking about food or rummaging through the pantry. Frequently I eat my planned mid-afternoon snack instead of lunch.

I sometimes go for hours – hours – without once thinking about food, or feeling hungry. I frequently feel thirsty, and I'm drinking four or five half-liter bottles of water every day … without thinking, "Oh, I need to get all my water in."

This is new territory for me. The only other weight-loss plan I've tried was Weight Watchers – a good program, and one on which I initially lost 32 pounds after the birth of my son. At that time, more than 30 years ago, WW was a prescribed plan, with 'legal' foods, limited and unlimited foods and foods we never ate. We learned to mix tuna with mustard instead of mayonnaise, and we ate it, whether we liked it or not, along with liver once a week.

The thing WW taught me was to always be thinking about the next meal or snack. I couldn't wait for the next opportunity to eat. If I got hungry prior to mealtime, I had a long list of 'free' vegetables; I could eat as much lettuce, radishes, celery or French-style green beans as I wanted.

Yum.

What worked for me was the meal "prescription" – here's what you eat, and here's when to eat it. I've gone back to WW several times, and have not been able to successfully maintain even a small loss on any of the newer incarnations of the plan. That's not to say it doesn't work. It just doesn't work for me.

After six months of the Glycemic Index plan, I think my body has learned that I will feed it what it needs. I'm not binge eating, I'm not sneaking, I'm not tempted by things not on the plan.

The visit to my daughter's earlier this month, when she was going to do the intervention about the icing, was probably the turning point. When sugar is not part of my diet, I don't fight food. If that's what it takes to not fight food, then I'll do it gladly. In fact, I think I'm finally at the point where I can do whatever it takes.

I've fought with food since I was in grade school, and I'm tired of fighting. I'm feeling so good right now, so … normal. I've no idea if it will last.

I can only hope it will.

Required reading, a rant and a recipe

Be sure to stop by Jonathan's blog to see his take on the media frenzy over the obesity issue, which I've also written about. And then read fatfighterblogs for tips on kick-starting your weight-loss program. Good, basic stuff in there.

I picked up a jar of Skippy's new Natural Creamy "No Need to Stir" Peanut Butter a couple weeks ago. I've been using Smucker's, and find that stirring in the jar [I usually use a fork or a chopstick] or even stirring in a bowl doesn't do the job as well as dragging out the mixer. Seeing the "No Need to Stir" banner on the jar was the only hook I needed to get me to purchase it.

I was immediately impressed. I'm usually a crunchy peanut butter kinda girl, but the tiny little Kroger here in the Middle of Nowhere only stocked the creamy. The texture was smooth and, um, creamy, and it tasted great. A little sweet, but still peanutty. Definitely different from the kind I'm used to eating.

Half a jar and several days later I read the label. The second ingredient is sugar.

Well no wonder it tasted different! I'm trying to eliminate sugar from my diet, but the Spousal Equivalent isn't, so I told him the remainder of the jar was his and his alone.

I realize sugar is a 'natural' ingredient. But when I reach for 'natural' peanut butter, I expect it to be peanuts. Maybe a little salt.

I'm not blaming Skippy [or their parent company, Unilever]. Had I read the label at the grocery I would have put it back on the shelf. Maybe I should blame the graphic designer at the advertising agency who came up with the label. 'No Need to Stir' means no dragging out the mixer, no messy spatula or beaters, no stuffing the stirred stuff back into the jar, no clean-up. Wonder how many calories I burn doing all that? Heh.

Finally, my friend Marilyn, who comments here frequently and who also is successfully trimming down, sent me a recipe for Stuffed Peppers the other day that she thought might fit into my plan. It did, deliciously! It's from 1000 Lowfat Recipes, by Terry Blonder Golson. Use Amazon's "Search Inside" feature, and go to page 214.

It's not your mother's rice-tomato-ground beef mixture, but has a Middle Eastern flavor that both the Spousal Equivalent and I really enjoyed. I substituted red and yellow peppers for the green called for, and will definitely be making it again.

I wanna be a cowboy

Can you hear that song in your head? [Danger! Danger! Not the original vocals!] Will it now be embedded there for hours? Possibly days? Good. My work is done.

A couple days ago, Pasta Queen proprosed that we give up our gym memberships and start volunteering to help people move. Great exercise, and something actually gets accomplished instead of, for instance, treading nowhere.

Well, my neighbor asked me to horse- and dog-sit for her this weekend, so I've been cleaning stalls under her tutelage for the past couple days, before she leaves town and I'm left to shovel shit on my own. Walking home from the barn last night, I kind of wished I had something physical like that to do every day. You know, like in the old days, when people did "chores."

Chores today aren't quite as strenuous as they used to be. Modern vaccum cleaners are self-propelled, as are lawnmowers. We drive through a short tunnel to wash our cars and press a button to clean our showers. [I confess: I bought one of those new push-button shower cleaner thingies. What a back-saver!] Dirty dishes are a thing of the past – they spend the day in the dirty-dish storage unit dishwasher where they are magically and automatically cleaned and sterilized overnight.

We still change linens and make beds as our grandmothers did. [You do make your bed every morning, don't you?] Although tossing a comforter back up over the sheets probably is a little less strenuous than tucking the pillows in that old chenille bedspread. Our laundry process is much easier and less time-consuming. We don't even have to clean our own salad greens, or peel our own carrots, since so much of our food preparation is already done by the time the food gets to the grocery shelves.

I am, as usual, not saying anything new. And even though I'm fortunate enough to have the time, since I don't have to work outside the home, I'm not eager to give up my modern conveniences.

But it would be good to feel like working out counted for something more than just moving fat off my body.

And how about a quote for Friday:

Bodily exercise, when compulsory,
does no harm to the body;
but knowledge which is acquired under compulsion
obtains no hold on the mind.”

Plato